twentysomething love

I started this blog when I was 19 and 3/4 and I couldn't wait to write with a purpose in a place that was safe to be myself in. I've been honored over the past 5 years to write my heart out on a 14 inch computer screen for all to see, helping give words of encouragement, love, support, and healing to a lot of ladies (and gents) who read my blog. Please shoot me a "hello" if you're ever in the mood - I'd love to hear from you! In the meantime, welcome to my blog - this is twentysomething love.

Breaker of habits; not of hearts.

There’s a peace, and anxiety brewing in my spirit this morning.  I’ve had a whirlwind of a month, and that doesn’t necessarily surprise me.  I’ve kind of had a whirlwind of a few years/life.  This morning, I emptied the dishwasher, cleaned the counters, loaded the dishwasher, brewed a french press, lit some candles, poured myself a cup of coffee, and took a deep breath in the sunlit seating of my kitchen counter.

I opened my bible to John 8, and skimmed through until I read this: V28: “When you have lifted the Son of Man on the cross, then you will realize that I am he and that I do nothing on my own, but I speak what the Father had taught me.  And the one who sent me is with me - he has not deserted me.  For I always do those things that are pleasing to him.

Jesus’ words hit my heart in rhythmic patterns as I read, and re-read what he spoke.  ”that I do nothing on my own…" - "And the one who sent me is with me" - "For I always do those things that are pleasing to him”. 

Piercing, is the last statement.  Like daggers in the chest, it stabs my core.  Oh the many sins I bear, and suffer with, and repent over, and do them again, and again, and again… Jesus was sent for people like me.  Jesus had to come so that people like me didn’t die horrible deaths and live in the grave for eternity.  Jesus had to die for me - because of grace.  It was God’s gift to me to send him to say those words so that I would read them, and hear them, and know them, and DO them.  I’m trading in my sorrows and my sin everyday to make that last statement not hurt as badly as it did this morning.  Conviction is a beautiful thing.  Do you know what’s even more beautiful?

Forgiveness after conviction.  

He says it in verse 29 - and the one who sent me is with me - he has not deserted me.  Even in my sin, and silly situations, I forget that this perfect man died for me - all so that I could live in full freedom, and live without regrets. It’s when I do things on my own, in my own ways, that everything begins to fall apart.  I’ve got to remember that Jesus died so that I wouldn’t have to live in fear, or condemnation.  He’s always with me. God loves us as much as He loved his own son.  He wouldn’t ever leave me. He wouldn’t desert me.  He wouldn’t leave me high and dry.

How perfectly fitting that just a few sentences under these verses Jesus reminds the Jewish people this: “You are truly my disciples if you keep obeying my teachings.  And you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.

My deep breaths to heal the stress, and cups of coffee are almost finished, and I stare at my hands as I type this.  Today is a new day.  

Thank you father that you love me.  I’m so thankful that you’re the only one who brings me peace.  Thank you for reminding me that you come to complete me, not to destroy me.  You come to break bad habits, not hearts. I’m sorry for running circles around you and the people I love.  I’m sorry for chasing the most temporary things in life - things that do not last, and things that do not matter. You have the most perfect plan for me, and I get to partner with you to do it all!  For with you there is peace, and with you there is joy, and with you there are brighter days.  

And for this reason, I have hope.

Love you. 

Sam

Grip and Grasp Hope.

I’ve had a lot of reasons in my life to be thankful for the amazing grace that falls into my lap everyday.  

I’ve been rescued from so many things in my 25 year life span, and I get to continue to be rescued everyday for another 25 years.  I get to pour out, and receive in total joy - because I think I have found glimpses what true hope means.  

Hope means to wait in faith for things you can’t yet see - eagerly expecting greatness - whatever form it comes in. 

I’ve made good room in my life for more hope than I can type out.

I’ve hoped for a lot of things in my life, and along the way my pride has been blown out the window, and humbleness crept its way in, and I’ve been overjoyed most days to have been able to receive such incredible things that make me feel so fortunate.  

It’s amazing grace. 

It’s sweet mercy. 

It’s deep in love. 

It’s rich in hope.

I’d be lying if I said this was all and has all been easy - it hasn’t been.  

Like I said - pride “blowing out windows” may make it seem like the wind swept it away, and like a brand new morning, came a fresh start… But it took time, and hard work, and prayers, and crying until my face went raw, and writing - oh the writing - and the lack of writing, and the silence, and the solitude, and the time… did I mention the time? 

And then God sent people to care for my soul; to see me, and hear me, and tell me good things - to help offer some hope; to help me see and feel and know amazing grace on a completely new level.  

Not all is lost, my wandering friends. Not all is forgotten, nor remembered, depending on the side you see things from.  

There’s this grace that’s amazing, this mercy that’s so sweet, this love that is so deep, and this hope that is so rich, and you get to let it all encompass you, like it did me, and you get to start fresh.  

Now.  Don’t wait another minute.  

I’m making some life decisions as of late, and if I didn’t grip or grasp all of those things - I might be lost in this pursuit of Gods heart.  

Grip, and grasp, dearhearts.  Grip, and grasp the tangible heart of God. 

The LORD is merciful and gracious, slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love. {Psalm 103:8}

Israel, put your hope in the Lord,
    for with the Lord is unfailing love
    and with him is full redemption.
He himself will redeem Israel
    from all their sins. {Psalm 130:7-8}

xoxo

Samantha

My Old Strength Is My New Friend.

image

Good evening, from my little green loveseat in my room.  I’m sitting with the pile of laundry to my left, pictured in the above photo. I knew that would happen.  Here, I have this huge walk in closet, and the minute I move my little green sofa in here, it wears multiple hats - a junk drawer, coat hanger, dresser, and sitting tool - all in one little green loveseat.  

These clothes are only but a small fraction of the laundry lists I have in my current days. 

I know that seems fairly vague, and mysterious, but I assure you - it’s nothing more than a poetic way of describing that I have a lot of ‘stuff’ to take care of in my day-to-day tasks.  

Do you ever get so overwhelmed with the way things are, that you just want to leave? I suppose that’s why people self medicate  - to retreat from what they feel they can’t face? 

I know that I can face whatever comes why way, head on.  I’ve stared fear in the face for many years, and I’ve dealt with trauma, and pain, and I’ve survived floods and bruisings because I was created to fight, and ask for help, and release control, and let others go to bat for me when I felt I couldn’t do it on my own.  I’ve watched a lot of stormed pass in my life because I have hope. 

Today, I’m not facing any huge storms.  For the first time in what feels like forever, I love sitting where I’m sitting.  I’m not running from chaos these days, and I’m enjoying contentment in larger doses, as opposed to smaller ones.  However, there is still that feeling of wanting somewhere else to go - new challenges, new people, new atmospheres… 

While there are ideas in the mix - hastey, emotional decisions never have worked for me in the past.  I’ve put my hope, my strength, and my love in all the Jesus is, and all that He’s done for me.  

Praying that whether your laundry list is just laundry, or it’s covering other bases, that you find and remember where your strength lies.  In Him. With His heart.  

xoxo

Sam

Slowing down yesterday was an incredible way to help today be a great way to start the week. Ending the glorification of “busy”, one Saturday at a time… 💜 #instaquote @lysaterkeurst #theBword #endit

Slowing down yesterday was an incredible way to help today be a great way to start the week. Ending the glorification of “busy”, one Saturday at a time… 💜 #instaquote @lysaterkeurst #theBword #endit

We’re going to do this
together Daughter; 
I am your Perfect Father, 
and together, we dont just ‘manage’ or ‘get by’. We walk through it
and fight it.

This morning I sat, and I listened. It’s been a while.

We’re going to do this
together Daughter;
I am your Perfect Father,
and together, we dont just ‘manage’ or ‘get by’. We walk through it
and fight it.

This morning I sat, and I listened. It’s been a while.

The sky still pops and burns as I lay in bed, and I have these lyrics stuck in my brain: “it’s ringing from the skies, like cannons in the night, the music of the universe displayed - You are holy, great and mighty, the moon and the stars declare who you are. I’m so unworthy, but still you love me. Forever my heart will sing of how great you are”. ||  🇺🇸 💥💥💥 #vscocam #letfreedomring #merica #fireworks #america #cannons #philwickham

The sky still pops and burns as I lay in bed, and I have these lyrics stuck in my brain: “it’s ringing from the skies, like cannons in the night, the music of the universe displayed - You are holy, great and mighty, the moon and the stars declare who you are. I’m so unworthy, but still you love me. Forever my heart will sing of how great you are”. || 🇺🇸 💥💥💥 #vscocam #letfreedomring #merica #fireworks #america #cannons #philwickham

Because I’m human - and I need it.

My house was quiet this morning as I pulled the window open in my room at 7:15.  Birds softly chirped from the trees close by, and I sunk back deep down into my feather comforter, remembering yesterday when I had all four wisdom teeth pulled.  

I haven’t been home for two weeks because I’ve been house sitting;  sleeping in my own bed last night, though a bit uncomfortable because on my mouth, was so lovely.  My mom took such great care of me too.  She took me to my appointment, waited 2.5 hours for the procedure to be done with, and drove me home afterwards.  The procedure took so long because they had to cut clear down to the bone on three of my teeth, and then, crack away at it piece by piece and remove it.  I have 3 sutures in my mouth, causing a bit more pain than I’d like them to, however, vicodin has been amazing, and helpful.  

Mama and I watched close to 6 episodes of Parenthood last night, curled and cuddled up in bed with her pups Ruby. She snapped some pictures of me while I was dead asleep, and then bought me ice cream. I haven’t had dairy or sugar, mind you, in 20 days - so what a treat it was indeed! I was awake until about 1am.  No more ice cream for me for 11 more days! Green and Fruit Smoothies all the way baby! 

Hopefully, my optimism about this entire situation will help make for a speedy recovery.  I’m on a liquid diet, per dentist’s orders, for the rest of the week.  It’ll be fine.  I’ll be fine :) 

While I sip my smoothie, and cozy myself back into my soft bed, I’m reminded that even in the weirdest moments of my life, I am tied to Christ, and my even with my Mama here to help me, I am still in ever need of His comfort, support, and sustenance. 

Here’s some hope I’m gleaning from. Something I’ll be thinking on for the weekend - declaring, and asking for help. Because I’m human - and I need it.

 ”The Lord is good, and does only good. Teach me your ways oh Lord”. 

Psalm 119:68

xoxo Samantha

WHOLE30 DAY 14 || I haven’t been posting many food pictures this weekend, as I’ve been busy relaxing, being with friends and enjoying screenless time. Tomorrow marks the upswing of my downhill journey with whole30, and I seriously feel amazing, more balanced than ever, and confident that I can continue this when these 30 days are over. I’m SO THANKFUL for all of the amazing feedback and support I’ve gotten from so many of my friends, and instafollowers. You guys keep me accountable, and it’s been such a amazing feeling. So! Here’s to the last 15 days! May they be the beginning and continuation of this transformation! 

#whole30 #livewell #shwhole30 #whole30story #whole30day14

WHOLE30 DAY 14 || I haven’t been posting many food pictures this weekend, as I’ve been busy relaxing, being with friends and enjoying screenless time. Tomorrow marks the upswing of my downhill journey with whole30, and I seriously feel amazing, more balanced than ever, and confident that I can continue this when these 30 days are over. I’m SO THANKFUL for all of the amazing feedback and support I’ve gotten from so many of my friends, and instafollowers. You guys keep me accountable, and it’s been such a amazing feeling. So! Here’s to the last 15 days! May they be the beginning and continuation of this transformation!

#whole30 #livewell #shwhole30 #whole30story #whole30day14

Today has been way better. After a lovely evening home alone, and a solid 8 hours of sleep, I felt recharged, refreshed, and alive. Honestly, I owe it to prayer, reading my bible, and some solid snooze time. Nothing seems impossible today, and nothing seems too far from my reach. It’s amazing what time with the Lord can do for ones own heart. 💜💜💜 #whole30 #day10 #shwhole30 #vscostory #instastory #instastory #faith #wholelife #livewell

Today has been way better. After a lovely evening home alone, and a solid 8 hours of sleep, I felt recharged, refreshed, and alive. Honestly, I owe it to prayer, reading my bible, and some solid snooze time. Nothing seems impossible today, and nothing seems too far from my reach. It’s amazing what time with the Lord can do for ones own heart. 💜💜💜 #whole30 #day10 #shwhole30 #vscostory #instastory #instastory #faith #wholelife #livewell

Welcome to breakfast 💜 frozen ||blueberries, strawberries, peaches, banana, and a few pinches of unsweetened coconut flakes! YUM. I also had two boiled eggs and a cup of coffee with a tbs of coconut oil mixed in there with the leftovers of my date creamer 😻 HAPPY DAY 8!!! How are you doing on #thewhole30?!  Tell me all about it down here! 👇 
🍋🍌🍅🍎🍓🍧

#vscocam #vscohealth #vsco #herestohealth #boomboompow 👊👊 #whole30 #icandothis #shwhole30 #whole30breakfast #morningtime #smoothiesgalore #yum #paleopeople #paleonation #hashtagcentral

Welcome to breakfast 💜 frozen ||blueberries, strawberries, peaches, banana, and a few pinches of unsweetened coconut flakes! YUM. I also had two boiled eggs and a cup of coffee with a tbs of coconut oil mixed in there with the leftovers of my date creamer 😻 HAPPY DAY 8!!! How are you doing on #thewhole30?! Tell me all about it down here! 👇
🍋🍌🍅🍎🍓🍧

#vscocam #vscohealth #vsco #herestohealth #boomboompow 👊👊 #whole30 #icandothis #shwhole30 #whole30breakfast #morningtime #smoothiesgalore #yum #paleopeople #paleonation #hashtagcentral

Confessions of a #day5er: || I’M AT BIG ALS AND I WANT FRENCH FRIES AND CIDER AND PIZZA. But I ordered a burger. Sans cheese, sans bun, extra lettuce, onions, avacad, and tomatoes. NO SAUCE. Salad on the side - Lemon wedge for dressing. H2o for drinkage. #oof #icandothis #letsgo #babygothealth #boomboompow 👊👊 #shwhole30 #whole30 #whole30day5

Confessions of a #day5er: || I’M AT BIG ALS AND I WANT FRENCH FRIES AND CIDER AND PIZZA. But I ordered a burger. Sans cheese, sans bun, extra lettuce, onions, avacad, and tomatoes. NO SAUCE. Salad on the side - Lemon wedge for dressing. H2o for drinkage. #oof #icandothis #letsgo #babygothealth #boomboompow 👊👊 #shwhole30 #whole30 #whole30day5

IF WE’RE BEING HONEST: I’ve been looking at myself in the mirror and not liking what I see. This causes a few lies to swing into the picture, making me feel not so lovely, not so worth it, not so beautiful… I know I’m not the only one who feeds into the untrue statements - but today is day 1. I start changing myself not so that others think I’m lovely, worth it, or beautiful - but so that *I* think I am lovely, worth it, and beautiful. I’m changing things for me. Changing things so that I don’t ever have to look in the mirror again believing lies. I’ll. need encouragement. I’ll need to have cheerleaders around me. I’ll need to know I’m not alone. If you can be my biggest fan in this journey, like this status, and share some tips, or your own weight loss journey with me! I’d love to see who’s with me! 

#whole30 #herewego #SHwhole30 #day1

IF WE’RE BEING HONEST: I’ve been looking at myself in the mirror and not liking what I see. This causes a few lies to swing into the picture, making me feel not so lovely, not so worth it, not so beautiful… I know I’m not the only one who feeds into the untrue statements - but today is day 1. I start changing myself not so that others think I’m lovely, worth it, or beautiful - but so that *I* think I am lovely, worth it, and beautiful. I’m changing things for me. Changing things so that I don’t ever have to look in the mirror again believing lies. I’ll. need encouragement. I’ll need to have cheerleaders around me. I’ll need to know I’m not alone. If you can be my biggest fan in this journey, like this status, and share some tips, or your own weight loss journey with me! I’d love to see who’s with me!

#whole30 #herewego #SHwhole30 #day1

"I do not care what you’ve done. I do not care who you have become. Please. Come. Home." Well spoken afternoon with a united people all working hard for the end to human trafficking. 

#houseofengedi #hope82 #hopehouse #vscocam #vscoboss

"I do not care what you’ve done. I do not care who you have become. Please. Come. Home." Well spoken afternoon with a united people all working hard for the end to human trafficking.

#houseofengedi #hope82 #hopehouse #vscocam #vscoboss

Psalm 143:8 — Let me hear in the morning of your steadfast love, for in you I trust.  

@piclab_hd #vscocam #mthood #piclab #sunrise #scripture #morningtime #pdxsunrise #roomwithaview

Psalm 143:8 — Let me hear in the morning of your steadfast love, for in you I trust.

@piclab_hd #vscocam #mthood #piclab #sunrise #scripture #morningtime #pdxsunrise #roomwithaview

Whatever Day It May Be.

I led worship at church today.  I greeted Mama’s with these beautiful peach colored roses, and hugged the ones I’m close with as I wished them a happy Mother’s Day. I watched children get dedicated to the Lord in front of a body of believers, and unbelievers - all wishing the future be bright, and great for their kids too. I sat next to new, and old friends as I listened and watched my lifelong mentor, and friend, preach to the hearts, and faces of a resurrected people - a people wanting to be redeemed.  Her words were the downbeat to my restless thoughts - bringing them to a close, and helping me welcome a new thought to chew on for the day.  My heart was full as I closed the service with one of my favorite songs to sing in any situation.  

"God I look to you - I won’t be overwhelmed"… 

My microphone down, I felt a little different.  People were leaving with their moms, or their loved ones, and I wasn’t.  

This isn’t a pity blog, as it is more of a reflection of what’s currently happening in my very present day.  

I’m so thankful that I was raised with a strong Mama.  She was all quirks, and laughter, and tough, and soft.  Her words were loving, and supportive as time grew on.  There haven’t been many things I’ve chosen to do without her excitement, and words of encouragement blaring either from an audience, or over the phone.  Yes.  I’ve been very blessed.  I’m blessed to see past all of the bad things.  I’m blessed to see past all the nooks and crannies that still hurt.  I’m blessed to even have a Mama I can pay high esteem to.  

Some of you don’t have that.  And today, right now, I empathize with you.  And I think I can even sympathize with you because there were a lot of missing years in between the divorce and present contentment and joy that I don’t talk about very often for the own guarding, and protecting of my heart, and your ears. 

Days like today should be filled with family, and with the people you love.  But for some of you, you’re sitting alone in your neck of the woods, and have either blocked it all out, or you sit with something that numbs you, and you survive another day with that empty feeling because this is what you’ve always done, or it’s something completely and entirely new for you. 

I get it. —  I’m sitting at a coffee shop on Hawthorne, and my mom isn’t close to me this year, and I get it.  I get that things come up, and time still has to go on, and that pain that you once felt years, and years, or days, and days ago come up like they feel brand new, and it sucks, and steals all present contentment and joy.  

I find an echo with you today.  

Some of you find an echo with me too. 

Your heart is seen today, and I find myself thinking of those like you who need that affirmation so badly.  If you’re hurting, or simply not feeling - You’re not alone.  You’re loved, and being thought of in this very instant. 

However your day is being spent, think upon the fact that you were formed with the intention who were never meant to do this life alone.  

Happy ______ Day to you - whatever day it may be

With so much grace, and love, 

-Sam